it took aria standing up about the secrets in her family to make me realize that i need to say something in my own.

i never talk about this with anyone, even people in my family. its like a big secret and lie we all choose not to confront. its just there and we live with it because thats what youre sopost to do. youre not sopost to talk about your problems.
but im learning that yes you are sopost to talk about issues and try and change them. you cant heal what you cant confront. 

i thought i had beat my sad feelings but its like one thing can trigger everything all over again.

my father is still having multiple affairs.
my mother has really bad depression.
my brother abuses me mentally and physically.
i have a horrible relationship with my father because of what he puts my mother through.
i have a fake relationship with my brother. in public were kinda family-like but in private he is how he is.
everyone in my family and outside family/friends thinks im the one messed up because i dont talk to my father. (they dont see anything wrong with my mother or brother) but they dont know how my father is.
hes an asshole.
so i take the name of bad guy because i dont want to say anything.
up until this past january, i thought my brother knew about my father so one night i mentioned something and he had no idea.
i finally said something to my mother about him and she played dumb like she didnt know. and then after a while admitted she knew and she told me the bare minimum of whats going on.

i dont want to fix a relationship with my father.
but i think it would help everyone if we just laid the cards on the table and stopped lying and covering up things.

obviously, this is just the general outline of the recent events but this has been going on since i was a little girl. ive been holding this all inside. i havent told anyone and i think its time.

i saw mike and aria on tonights show and i saw myself.

im ready to talk to someone.
i dont know who, or when, but this blog is my first step.
im going to talk to someone.

soooooo i went to the gym, hum. was it two days ago? three? im not sure. my days are just running together, ive been so busy.

but im still sore. haha this is so good though because that just means im rebuilding muscle.

tomorrow i had scheduled to work at my ‘project’ but it got cancelled due to booking issues. so that means tomorrow is ‘open’. not really. i have so much stuff that i could be doing, but im going to make sure i get to the gym since ill have the opportunity to actually do so.

oh and WELCOME to the new followers. :) hope youre enjoying the blog.

thats all for now folks.

<3 

hah. wayyy to true.

(Source: youreacheerleaderwhen)

(Source: ohhfuckyeahcheer, via shescheercaptain)

sorry followers that ive been such a crappy blogger recently.

but i havent even been to the gym in like 2 weeks. (sue me. i know right.) but its all because of this ‘project’ im working on. so i feel like that is DEFINITELY so so so much more important than building muscle.

tomorrow, however, i have my first day off in a long time. so im going to go to the gym and do laundry and clean. hah fun fun.

my vegan diet though!!!! i feel like im going a very good job at this. i dont even know when i last had an animal byproduct. so yayyyyy

alrighty. well im going to head to bed. :)
night tumblr. 

(Source: rightwayhealthy)

ahh. ive been so busy.

ive been working more at my actual job.
then i also have been working on this ‘project’ that could really further my career. (im seriously trying to remain anonymous on here. haha)
and ive been going to the gym more.

im not really noticing any changes in my body.
but i know this wont happen over night…even though it seems like i got out of shape over night. :P haha but im working on it.

if anything super interesting in my personal (fitness-y) life happens, ill be sure to update asap.

:) 

hey everyone!

so ive been reading a lot about veganism for a while now and today is my first day of eating a vegan diet! (hurray!) haha ive been a vegetarian for four years now so theoretically, this shouldnt be that much of an adjustment butttt i love cheese and butter. however, i really see the benefits of going vegan.

we’ll see how this goes. :)

ilivelovecheer:

Rick Rodgers and Viv Mendoza for the UK- Wheelchair partner stunt at Worlds 2011

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so i finally got a real gym membership! (yay)

the whole going to my university gym just wasnt working out. the city upped street parking fees so it was like a quarter for five minutes. and then the gym was only open certain hours and not on the weekends and i could only park on the street for like this two hour window…it just wasnt working out. hahaha

so i trucked myself down to the local la fitness and the guy was pretty nice about setting me up with a membership that i could afford.
i went to a place last summer for like $75 for three months which was really small and like my entire high school went there. i just didnt feel like dealing with people hah that sounds horrible, but its true.
you know when you run into someone who like you ‘know’ and its all awkward cause you should probably say hi, but you dont. and then the other person doest say anything so its just this big awkward encounter.

…yeah thats my old gym.

but anyways, this la fitness its pretty nice. its really large and i can take yoga classes for free and stuff so im pumped about that.

today i just jogged on the treadmill for an hour. i was kinda intimidated to go down with the juice head guido’s (okay..they werent really guerillas. but i still felt stupid going down there. :P) to lift weights and do leg machines.

i have this huge bubble blister on my pinky toe, which im hoping takes care of itself by tomorrow…cause i actually want to go to the gym. haha

oh! and today i also pulled weeds and put up this gazebo in my backyard.

in other words, today was pretty successful. right?

sweet dreams. :)